The sun sinks below the horizon
keeping its promise in an infinite process.
Breath becomes vapor
Vapor becomes clouds and
The clouds quicken to particulate.
Cold, dark, ready to release.
Water, the life giving molecule,
Alters itself in offering to the mountain,
Dropping pillows of crystalline vapor.
For reasons to satisfy the soul,
We abandon responsibility
(at least for now)
And set ourselves in motion
In a process like the snow
With a license from Nature
To bliss out.
When we see and perceive the whole experience of life with our whole physical senses--the ones we are blessed with by our Creator--everything comes to life. Colors are vibrant, vivid, full of energy. Cadence and rhythms reach the inner parts of our cute ears and the inner parts of our being but only when we listen. We softly touch the hand of a friend or we drape a leg across the warm, meaty thigh of another being. We taste the Spirit in warm, seasonal toddies, sharing in the delight of an Autumnal buzz. When we take a moment, we smell the changing of the seasons as the leaves actively mulch into nutrients for the next go round.
I had a magical night last night. Nothing extraordinary happened. After parading around Bellingham in a rainbow get-up, followed by bagpiper extraordinaire, my friend as a flapper, and a dude on a bike, I found myself on a clean, well-lighted sailboat harbored in the marina with warmth and jovial friends, singing songs and sucking the marrow of life straight from the goodness of its Source.
"You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, and find eternity in every moment." Thoreau would've been my homeboy. I mean... when he wasn't retreating to cabins in Maine or Walden Pond and stuff.
To feel this connection to all things, this bliss unspeakable--to share friendship--is a deep blessing. It is my prayer (one of them) for the World. May every one person find someone he or she can Love, snuggle, be with, drape their legs across in total surrender to just being together. No sex. No expectations. Just human connection in its purest form. Ahhhh...
Familial relationships, especially biological ones, have an impact in deep-seated ways--psychosomatic, spiritual, physical, and emotional. We go through the early stages of life trying to relate to this fateful union of souls. Brother, sister, father, mother. Our blood. At the onset of adolescence, we realize our individuality. Eventually, we accept it and begin to lean into the life we are willfully and deliberately creating. We are continually unfolding.
For me, this unfolding and self-realization seemed to be absent of any validation of my womanhood. All the women in my life seemed to be preoccupied with their own matters. My mom had me young, at the age of twenty, around the same age I had my children. Ages twenty through thirty are tumultuous years, everyone knows that. Kurt Cobain, Janis, and Jimi didn't make it out alive. Hell, I barely made it out alive and that's the truth. Whether you're muddling through college striving for a degree, child-rearing, struggling with an addiction or vicious eating disorder, trying to be a great, or simply trying to find your place in the world, the work is hard and I was doing it alone.
I know my mother was battling her own demons as I was navigating the rough waters of adolescence. Today, I have immense compassion for and a newly found, loving understanding of my mother. She did the best she could with the resources and self-awareness contained within her. For many years, nearly all of my twenties, I grieved the absence of the mother-daughter relationship I craved and needed so badly. Today, in the dawn of thirty, the new light has set me free. Through it all, I turned out okay. That counts for something.
My mom gave me a ring. It is the last relic from her mother and father's engagement and subsequent marriage. Her father died of complications from alcoholism and her mother by lung cancer. When I put the ring on my finger, and it fit absolutely perfectly, I began to release years of tears--for me, for my mom, and for my grandma I barely remember. Their pain was great, and I felt it in the deepness of my being. We are in this together; especially the women. I am saddened but grateful for their pain that paved the way for my strength and freedom.
I look forward with great anticipation to the challenge and suffering of the years that will grow me into the refined and wild woman I've been dreaming of since sixteen candles were on my cake.
With this freedom ring, let me be wild in love, and may each day bring new joy, healing, and remembrance of where I have come from.
Tomato vodka cocktail
At least I'd like to be.
Maybe the moon?
I believe in Magic
And he says to me:
"Watch the leaves fall.
It's a once in a lifetime event.
"Thank you," I respond with a tip of my hat.
Magic is a funny thing.
It makes you forget
All the things
That separate you from It.
My son asked why I was crying and I asked him, "Do you think I'm pretty?"
He said, "Yes, very pretty." He was so sweet, and I felt better.
Then he said to me, "Sometimes we look into the mirror and we think we are ugly, but we really aren't."